he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
