Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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