The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
