I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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