she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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