I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
