I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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