I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
