So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
how do you play pong handcuffed?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize