Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
