i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
