So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
