He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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