How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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