Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We had to coat check the pizza.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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