I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
