The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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