I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
