Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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