I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
