Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
