o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
