Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
