I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
