i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So much Jack, so little girl.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize