I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Actions speak louder than pants.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I want to fling myself into the sun
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
