dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize