My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
This house was built for laser tag.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
