I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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