glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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