its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
