I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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