he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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