Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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