Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
