She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
