hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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