Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
