So drunk, too bad you don't want this
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
