I smell stomach acid.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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