For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
