A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Randomize
