Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
