you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
