My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
is it fun? or sober?
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