i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
