Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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