just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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