using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
