I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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