hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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