Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
