I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
