I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
