I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I checked into jail on foursquare
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize