are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
