I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
