I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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