fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Randomize
