apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
