please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
All I want is dick and wine.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
