I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
