i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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