Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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